Is it surprising that the only time I look at my to do list is when I'm planning my week? The rest of the time the items on my list are on my mind some of the time, but only in a fret -- I should do this or that -- fret fret kind of way. The truth is, I threw away my shoulds long ago.
Should vs. Must
Do you know what I mean by shoulds? “You should do _blank_.” “You should go _blank_.” There are a million shoulds. In reality, however, which is where I choose to live, it is not the shoulds that matter. In my reality only the musts are relevant. Only the musts---must be done. I must get up and exercise, and the second part, because it makes me feel good. It makes me happy. It releases endorphins. I must eat healthy food, and the second part, because it makes me strong, look healthy, and feel healthy.
What are your shoulds and what are your musts? Make a list, and question those musts too.
When I was younger I did lots of exercise that was not a must. The exercise I did back then was a mixture of control and self-punishment. I wasn’t good enough. I had to fix myself. I didn’t know that fixing myself didn’t involve my physical appearance at all. Fixing myself started with undoing the hidden secret messages in the way I had been treated. Those hidden, secret messages left marks on my self-concept. They said: “you are not good enough,” “you are ugly,” “change.” So I tried. For years.
For years I spent -- literally -- two hours getting ready in the morning. The two hours was just to shower, do my hair, do my makeup, and dress. My mask was very important and I couldn't leave home without it.
Therapy helped me shed my shoulds. I learned to say “No!” unapologetically. I learned to love myself the way I was. I stopped looking to other people to tell me I was acceptable. I began to realize that I AM acceptable, no matter what anyone else thinks. The problem comes when I start letting myself think that other people’s opinions of me are more important than my own.
That was my first bout with therapy. Such deep healing. This current session of healing is my third session. The journey continues, the saga unfolds, and as the folds of fabric that is my proverbial story unfold bit by by, which therein contain all the missing pieces of me, it truly feels like being reborn or rebuilt. It is -- truly -- healing.
The To Do List
The problem with fretting about the to do list is that fretting causes me anxiety, and then I am literally like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming train, and I can’t move to do the thing that I am fretting about. That is something I need to work on. That is why I need to keep my shoulds and musts in their proper place. If you struggle with getting your priorities in order, you could try separating them into shoulds and musts, and then place them all in the 'could if I choose to' pile. It does help.
Be gentle with yourself, and allow lots of time to enjoy life. Shine on, you diamonds,
Faith
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