Someone came up to me in the grocery store and asked if I had any credit, and I said, "No, no one will give me credit because I am disabled." That was actually true for many years, and then suddenly it wasn't. The man with the clipboard said he could offer me a credit card and he did. Suddenly I had $2,000 dollars at my disposal. TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS!!
I remember that feeling. The feeling of freedom and safety I felt when I walked out of the store with a $2,000 credit card in the mail. I was in partial disbelief. When it came in the mail, I thought I wouldn't be able to activate it. When I used it for the first time, I thought it wouldn't be approved. When it worked, I actually felt lucky. I felt safe. It was a trick. I was not lucky.
I was quite smart about it, though, and saved the credit card as a kind of emergency fund. With no debt I was doing okay. I had just enough, and a little extra for things like horseback riding lessons for my daughter. I know. It was amazing. I miss those days....and these smiles! I guess we were lucky because we could afford the horseback riding lessons, and because we had family that sent us gifts of money at Christmas and Birthdays. That money was not included in my budget, and so extra money we could use to do stuff. With no debt it was easy to use the money for what we wanted to use the money for. Horseback riding lessons was my daughters dream and I was able to fulfill it in that way. That changed with the debt though. The debt stole that dream. (so did my poor choices, but who is splitting hairs here, not me.)
Soon after getting the card, one of our cats got sick. He had crystals in his bladder and couldn't pee. It was an emergency. We took him to the vet and they kept him overnight and treated him in a variety of ways including giving him a catheter, surgery, x-rays, etc.
The bill was pricey, but our baby was worth it. Look at that face! I had the credit card and used it, and it took the whole balance to pay the bill, but - phew - I did that. I took him to the vet, got him treatment. It felt good! We brought him home.
This was the first pee he did after coming home; I was thrilled! Also, it was heart shaped so I had to take a photo (is that weird?).
I truly believed he would be okay. The vet gave us special food, he seemed okay, we were all happy. He was healed.
BUT that didn't last long. The treatment didn't work long term, and one morning I came downstairs and found him. Dead. He died alone in the basement, straining to pee. It was awful. We had him cremated. We mourned and moved on. The $2,000 debt, however --- multiplied.
The trauma of our Sammy's death started my debt binge. Soon after, I got another card, and another (and another and another and another and another and another -- 7 total). One card just kept increasing my limit every-time I asked, until it reached over $15,000! It was a whole thing. At first it felt like freedom. I felt safe; I could pay for unforeseen expenses like Sammy's illness.
After raising my daughter on my own as a single unwed mom who was disabled, and living on a very limited income, counting every single penny (literally) for over a decade--- it was freedom, and it made me feel safe. Having that extra money meant I could do little things that I could not do before. Simple things like going to the movies or even buying expensive fruits or going to the zoo were little luxuries to us that we could now do whenever we wanted! They probably seem like little things to most people, but to us they were amazing! It's hard to explain really.
For the longest time, those little things did not fit into my tiny budget. When I asked my daughter about this time (she is 25 years old now) she said that we "were able to live a normal life like everyone else. We bought food." She was pretty pissed about it. It gave us the ability to live without worry, fear, or malnourishment. Compare the pictures of me one year into being a single disabled mom vs. five years in. What's the difference? No fancy expensive hair cut. No eating out, or just buying whatever food I wanted. I had been on a special diet for health reasons, which I abandoned. Second hand clothing. Couldn't afford makeup anymore. We did a lot of hiking, but I usually did much more exercise. Also, just that feeling of being separate from the middle-class; on the fringes of society. I'm not sure what it was, but the feeling is a lack of confidence I guess. When my daughter was 9 I also got thyroid cancer. Now I'm just rambling. Sorry. Back to my post.
The freedom the credit gave me didn't last long, and hundreds of little things turned into thousands of dollars of credit card debt. Once the cards were maxed out, all that was left was interest payments. Do you know how much the interest on $15,000 dollars is?!?! I had no idea, because in the past I always had an income, and didn't even notice. Eventually, it wasn't actually freedom or safety I felt. I actually lost my freedom, and became a slave to debt.
Then I went back to school and got student loans. Those added up quick and continue to accrue. Then my car broke down, and for about a year and a half we took the bus, renting cars occasionally when we needed to. Then we bought a car. Well, we didn't buy it. We got a loan. The car still isn't ours and won't be until...ummm...2023? A large portion of that loan is also interest, which I didn't realize. So it takes a loooong time to pay it off.
Without debt we made ends meet, as I mentioned earlier. But once the cards were maxed out, I was no longer able to make ends meet ~~ without the debt. A Catch22 and a Pandora's Box. The interest adds up. While it felt like free money, it certainly was not. Duh. Hindsight is indeed 20/20. Anyhow--I pay my debts, and I intend to pay these. But for now I am struggling. A large portion of my income goes to paying just pure interest. Ugh. I'm not sure how it all works out, but somehow it does.
What I really need to do is turn this around. I'm going to use this blog to find solutions to this problem, and bring you along for the ride. No problem is without a solution. I know I can fix this, and I fully intend to do so. Join me!
Take care,
Faith
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