You know, I can talk about hurdles and set backs all I want, but the sad reality is they are real, and they are curtailing my progress with this plan and journey. I feel frozen right now. Unable to do anything. I attribute this to flashbacks, because last night I remembered something.
This memory was preceded by about a week of preliminary sensory flashbacks which included scent. I honestly cannot tell if they are real smells, or memory-smells sometimes. The memory I had involved those smells, and I am assuming that they are part of the extensive flashback. It's so strange how these things happen. I had one part emerge a few months ago and I have been grappling with all of the implications of that information since then.
It is such deep trauma. Embedded in my formative self. I almost feel that it has been making me handicapped. When I say that, I mean this definition of handicap: any thing or circumstance which makes progress or success difficult; an encumbrance, a hindrance. (Oxford Online Dictionary, handicap) Originally when I used the word handicapped, I meant that I felt like I was limping along without all my faculties -- that's how deeply penetrating to my being these flashbacks are. When I looked up the word, however, I was amazed to see that it fit with all my other words: stumbling block, hurdle, and wall.
I won't lie. I feel extremely frustrated. I have not been for a walk in ages. The amount of discouraged that I feel, outweighs my optimism. Does that make sense? It curtails everything I want to do, and much of what I need to do---like my school assignments, or basic necessities like shopping for groceries or cooking. It's not that I'm complaining, nope, but illustrating this process -- outside of my own head/thoughts/brain---and showing myself how difficult this process is, is helpful. Because the other part of stumbling blocks, hurdles, walls and handicaps is that they make me feel like I am useless. Unless I acknowledge head-on why things are the way they are, what exactly is happening--I just feel like a loser.
Being a Loser is a State of Mind
Loser is one of those words that someone called me often and repeatedly throughout my life. It pops up every-time I feel like this. Oh yes, I can intellectualize and assure myself that I am not a loser none-the-less, my mind is always wondering--hey, maybe it's actually true. Okay. I looked up 'loser'. I think it was intended this way-- loser: an unsuccessful or incompetent person, a failure. (OED, loser) The person who told me this, told me from a young age. Was it some kind of prophecy? Did I make it one, because subconsciously I believed the person who said it? I can see this is just triggering a whole other set of memories, and I'll have to stop now.
What will make me not a loser is not letting discouragement (which incidentally is just what calling me a loser was meant to do) and hindrances, win. I can overcome. I can be the victor over both the trauma that threatens to eat up every normal nuance in my life and my own self doubt. Me. My strength. My resolve. My vision for a future. My quiet inner knowing that other peoples ideas about winning and losing are different than mine. I'm not a loser. I survived. Sometimes that's the best we can hope for for now, and that is okay.
I hope you are having the most wonderful day. I hope that maybe this helps you, though I'd prefer that you didn't need this kind of encouragement. Hopefully other people are not handicapped by their trauma as I am.
Take care,
Faith
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