This post is a follow-up to the last post on the blog, The Mermaid Diaries. It has been months, it is true, but I feel it necessary to document these events for several reasons: from a health perspective, and from a 'it's okay to do stuff you enjoy' perspective. Plus swimming season is upon us once again, and I don't want last year's foibles to taint this years attempts at fun. So here goes...
Since the event last August, which I will hitherto refer to as "the incident", and which you can read about in the post called The Mermaid Diaries, in which I went swimming and it triggered an auto-immune response that seems to be stealing my health, I'll admit, I've been a bit discouraged. I felt gutted. Betrayed by my own body.
I was so gutted, and in limbo, that I endeavoured to go back to the scene of 'the incident.' I felt depressed and defeated -- in addition to feeling really unwell.
Do-over: a new attempt or opportunity to do something after a previous attempt has been unsuccessful or unsatisfactory
In the past when I have felt that way, especially when raising my daughter on a low income, I would propose we do a "do-over." A do-over is a little trick on the mind, will, body and spirit, in which you re-do an attempt at an event that didn't quite work out the way you planned.
For that reason, our family do-overs were necessary and often, because often things didn't work out in a way that left us with a fond memory, a good feeling, and a sense that all was right in the world. Often, we felt like the world was punishing us. When that happened we called: DO-OVER!
It was about a week after "the incident" when I once again drove to the lakeshore in the seaside town where I first swam. I went to a different spot, because I didn't intend on swimming. Instead I sat on these stairs for a while...I was defeating my own demons...sitting there...
I took this selfie. I look okay. Perhaps a little pale...but okay...(when I say okay, I mean, I'm not ORANGE;)
I walked a bit. I read the messages on the sidewalks. It was a lovely neighbourhood, and I felt lucky to be loitering there for the brief time that I did.
...this one was instructive and to the point...it's a good general rule of thumb...
...this other one, was delightful, and was written on the stairs leading down to the water. It felt like it was taunting me...
It says: It's so nice. SWIM. Just do it.
So far, so good. I was pensive, tentative, afraid, but nothing untoward happened at this point. I endeavoured to go have a bite to eat and then chill for a while in the car. I did that, and then I started home. Immediately, I began to feel unwell.
Then I got really, really, really sick --again-- but in a different way.
I turned orange...like a sweet potato. I puffed up. I began to sweat. I had the dry-heaves. I was intensely tired. The drive home was a blur. I kept having to pull over and sleep, or steady myself so I wouldn't puke. I snapped this selfie because I was so out of it I couldn't see--If you know what I mean---it was like the first picture on this post, all fuzzy and out of focus. It was like I was sinking into black water, and I was fairly certain I was going to puke.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, I got back home. I was still feeling extremely overwhelmed inside my body, like I said, encompassed and encased in black water, but somehow I managed to stumble inside. My clothes were literally soaked and wet with sweat. I stumbled upstairs. It was around 4pm. I peeled off my soaking clothes and slid right into bed, so relieved to finally be safe and able to just rest and sleep.
When I awoke it was the dead of night, my room was pitch black inside, and I was pinned to the bed by my three cats...who OBVIOUSLY love me A LOT!!
I was feeling a bit better, but still weak as a kitten. I still don't know what caused that to happen. That feeling of unwellness continues. It is not as bad, but still, I'm unwell.
I'm not sure what the point of this post was, except to illustrate how frustrating ill-health is. Not even a good do-over can defeat it. In fact, reading it over I was doubly frustrated, because there seems to be no purpose to this post. In frustration, I went to look at my emails, and I found this Message from God (this is an app that I subscribe to) waiting for me. It said:
"Today, Faith, God wants you to know that there will be times when you feel tossed around by the tempests of your emotions.
When this happens, look for that still sacred space within you. Take some time to rest in that space. After a time, when you are ready, come out to face the world again."
(alldevotion.com)
The tempest wasn't done with me, either. In the ensuing weeks a rainstorm and a roof leak brought my daughter's bedroom ceiling down, a neighbourhood dog bit me, and my dear, sweet, boy Tabby passed away suddenly. (He's just sleeping in this picture, I promise)
Indeed, I feel as though I have been tossed about by a tempest; thrown around like a rag-doll. My emotions, perhaps, are what this post is about. If I don't overcome this feeling of defeat, and all the ensuing feelings from all this 'stuff' I may never be free. After all, a problem is just a hurdle to be jumped, a wall to be mounted, and a barrier to be breached. I got this! And so do you.
Have a good one, people, and remember...everything can be overcome.
Thanks for joining me on this journey of self discovery.
Peace,
Faith
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